In Mastin Kipp’s recent TDL post, he talks about how we are not a reflection of the world but rather how the world is a reflection of us. So, does that mean that if we wake up one morning feeling happy then the whole world will respond to us with kindness? Will strangers wave hello? Will customer service reps really mean it when they say, “How are you?” Probably not.
Last night, I had an episode during which my latent feeling of unworthiness came washing over me like a tidal wave. Why? Because I had been really, really happy over the weekend. The episode was a reminder–once again–that when I feel true happiness, inevitably fear and guilt come barging through the front door like bullies. They stand in front of me until I plead: “How much time do I have until this happiness goes away?” They respond: “Two hours top. Then we take over.”
Fortunately, Mastin reminds us that these feelings happen to everyone:
Everyone has the core fears that they aren’t enough and if they aren’t enough, they won’t be loved. Everyone. And MANY people spend more time looking for evidence about why they aren’t enough than why they are…You may have been a victim of a past event that you still identify with as a victim, but can you really be a victim of something that happened in the past unless you allow it in the present?
So how did I snap out of my unworthy funk last night? I didn’t. The truth is: I had to ride that tidal wave until it was over. It happened sometime around 11 a.m. this morning. And it wasn’t fun. As I sat in a meeting this morning with my mind racing about how much I didn’t deserve happiness, I had to consciously wrestle fear and guilt back down to the little cave they live in deep inside of me. (Someday I’ll figure out how to evict them altogether.) I had to remind myself–and really convince myself–that not only am I good enough but that it’s okay to want MORE in my life. More love, more peace, more happiness.
I’m starting to think of happiness as an apple pie. I may not be ready to take the whole pie (because that would be selfish, right?) but I’m going to take a really, really big slice this time.