The Set Up

v. set up: 1. to elevate; raise. 2. to deceive or trick someone

About a month ago, I was set up on a blind date. It was a first for me so I shouldn’t have been surprised when I rejected the idea of a ‘set up’ so much that right before we were supposed to meet, I drove through the restaurant parking lot and back out onto the street. For a split second, I seriously thought about ditching the date and driving back home. (I had a similar reaction back in May 2008 when I sat in the airport by myself, about to take a 10-day trip to Ireland alone; I was supposed to have taken the trip with my then boyfriend but he broke up with me a few weeks earlier and backed out.)

I was reminded of that pivotal moment in my life –that “crossroads” moment– as I sat in my car staring at the reflection of my headlights on the STOP sign before me. Left blinker on. Hands gripping the steering wheel. What…to…do.

Did I rip up my plane ticket to Ireland and walk out of the airport back in ’08? Hell no. I got on the plane bawling my eyes out and had the best trip of my life. So what exactly was preventing me from taking the next step forward in my current situation? Fear of something new, different? Confusion that this ‘set up’ would deceive me instead of elevate me to where I’m meant to go?

How would I choose to steer myself in this moment? Simple. By thinking about myself being filled with light.

As Sarah Manguso says: “You can’t learn from remembering. You can’t learn from guessing. You can learn only from moving forward at the rate you are moved, as brightness, into brightness.”

So I turned around, parked my car, and walked out of the darkness.